Is it transphobic to not want to date a trans person?

Addison Smith
5 min readJun 22

Addi answers two questions related to dating trans folx — is it transphobic to not date trans folx, and what’s the difference between attraction and fetishization?

Below is a transcript for another episode of “Ask Addi,” my advice show on YouTube. If you’re so inclined, you could go to my channel and click like and subscribe. It would help grow the channel and allow me to keep making new episodes. Thanks, Addi

Hello, Humans. Welcome to Ask Addi. I’m Addison Smith, or just Addi. Thus the name of the show.

So today, I’m going to tackle two, two questions. Why? Because they’re both about dating, so they should come in pairs. And I’m probably not the best person to ask about dating, so I’m going to try to get them out of the way.

It’s been a while since my last date. But these are questions that I can answer. So if I put them in one episode, I don’t have to deal with them until someone asks another dating question.

Okay. Question one. “Is it transphobic to not want to date a trans person?” asks J.

Well, J, there’s two ways of looking at that question. If you mean a particular trans person, maybe not. If you mean any trans person at all. Hell, yes, that’s transphobic. Let me explain.

Going out with someone just to prove that you’re not transphobic is patronizing. Maybe even a little hypocritical. However, not wanting to go out with a particular trans person doesn’t mean that you’re transphobic. You might just not click with that person.

So if you go out with them to show how woke you are, you’re kind of using them. If you’re into them, then hell yeah, go out with them. But if you’re going out with them, even though you’re not into them, you’re not doing them any favors. You’re leading them on.

Now, if you’re saying that you wouldn’t date any trans person ever, then yeah, that is transphobic. You’re talking about looking down at an entire group of people without getting to know a single one of them.

It’s almost the same. Not the same, but almost the same — same line of thought — as saying you wouldn’t date black…

Addison Smith

I’m an LGBTQ+ DEI educator, activist, and writer living in the Midwest with my cat. Call me Addi. They/She. Booking and more info at